Choosing a Spouse and Keeping Sane in the Process
- Catholic Charities
- 9 hours ago
- 5 min read
Choosing a spouse might be the most important decision that you will make in your life.
By Mark Sanders, LPC, CAS
Lisa Smith, LPCC
Grace Cole, LPC, LIMHP, CPC
St. Raphael Counseling
In our work as couples therapists at St. Raphael Counseling, we have seen the extremes. On the one hand, we have had clients who struggled in their relationship and even recognized red flags before getting married that they didn’t acknowledge at the time. On the other hand, we’ve also seen how a compatible, loving couple living intentionally can weather all of the storms that come our way throughout life.
So, how do we make this decision of whom to marry?
There are several factors that we’d like to propose for consideration when choosing a potential spouse. Research has shown that couples have a greater chance of success if they do the following things:
Share Religious and Other Values
This does not mean that everything has to be in total alignment. Instead, it provides a framework for understanding the values each of you possesses and how you view the world. Not being hostile or dismissive of another’s beliefs is a major part of this compatibility.
Understand the Role of In-Laws and Other Family Members in Their Lives
The sacramental nature of marriage is that a man and a woman come together and become one flesh. Too many couples get caught up in trying to please others, lack boundaries with family members and fail to prioritize their relationship, which can lead to turmoil in a marriage. Set boundaries with family and friends about your expectations for your new family before the wedding. At the time of the wedding, you are creating a new family, which becomes your priority over your families of origin. Your spouse comes only after God.
Discern Parenting.
Again, this does not mean that everything has to be totally aligned. However, basic decisions such as “How many kids do we want to have? How are we going to parent them?” are factors that should be addressed while dating, especially through joint prayer, discernment of God’s will and conversation.
Talk Money and Finances.
Financial issues, including debt and misalignment of the purpose of money, are one of the major factors of divorce. It is amazing how many couples don’t talk about these issues ahead of time. While they are difficult to address, they are also essential for a strong marriage. Lack of connection on these issues can lead to all sorts of other challenges, such as financial infidelity and lack of transparency, which can harm a marriage.
Preparing Well, with Courage and Hard Work
So, how do we have the difficult discussions with a potential spouse?
Guess what — this is what dating is for! During a period of dating, the potential couple gets to know each other. As that connection becomes deeper, it can facilitate the kinds of discussions that lead to a better understanding of the other person.
During these discussions, treating the other person with respect and honesty is key. While having your future spouse discover that you have a significant amount of credit card debt can be uncomfortable and difficult to discuss, it is much better than never addressing it at all and then finding out after the wedding! Behavior is a language that is more believable than words. When communicating, make sure your words match your behavior.
Another secret: making relationships and marriages successful is hard work! Marriage will reveal your wounds, your patterns, your impatience and your selfishness. It’s like a mirror that shows all the areas that God wants to heal. Many couples enter marriage believing love will protect them from suffering. In reality, marriage often becomes the place where, through suffering, we learn and grow in virtue. Expecting your spouse to fill every emotional, spiritual and relational need places an unbearable weight on the marriage.
While dating and even preparing for a wedding, remember that it can be great fun to have discussions about the future — what kinds of jobs you want, where you want to live and what is important for you. These discussions not only allow us to become more vulnerable and connect better with each other but also get us excited about the journey ahead. A couple that doesn’t share goals or think about the future can find themselves in a difficult position when this information comes out later and has not been addressed.
A Few Tips
Compromise and Put Each Other First.
This can manifest in various ways. For example, consider spending the first year of holidays alone to build your own traditions, while still incorporating time with family and friends. Protect your friendship with your spouse, recognizing the importance of quality time together. Friendship and your own family connection are often what sustain a marriage when romance ebbs. Simple practices — shared meals, laughter, curiosity about each other’s inner world — matter more than grand gestures. Consider developing a shared spiritual life early in your relationship, even before engagement or marriage.
Let Go of the Expectation of Perfection.
There shouldn’t be an expectation that everything should be perfect, but paying attention to the small things can also be a factor in determining if there is a future for a relationship. For example, how does the other person treat you, your family and friends and his or her family and friends during the dating process?
Use Your Intuition.
We often know deep down if others are truly good for us, and we have to trust our instincts. It is better to break up before the wedding takes place than to ignore these instincts out of obligation, social expectation (“but we’ve already sent out the save the date cards!”) or other factors that are not as important in the grand scheme of things. Engagement is not the final commitment. Learn about the different stages of life together. Marriage isn’t always a fairytale.
Cultivate Mutual Respect.
It is a great predictor of the future success (or failure) of a marriage. For instance, if your future spouse treats you with contempt, acts in a controlling manner, does not appreciate you or becomes critical and defensive during discussions, these can be major red flags. Sometimes people think, “Let’s just get married, and these problems will go away.” However, they will most likely not, and the situation will likely continue to worsen.
Making Marriage Last
We as Catholics believe that marriage is for a lifetime, so let’s do the best we can to get it right!
You are doing yourself and your potential spouse a favor by asking hard questions and engaging in difficult discussions through courage and prayer.
If you notice these warning signs, seek counseling sooner rather than later. If there is trouble brewing, do everything you can to prepare for marriage (understand the Church’s teaching on marriage, do premarital classes at your parish, etc.). Marriage is a vocation, not a milestone to rush toward.
Remember that struggle doesn’t mean failure. Many couples quietly assume that if marriage feels hard, something must be wrong. Love changes over time, and it does not always include butterflies and happy feelings. Remember, you are on the same team. It is you and your spouse, together with each other and God, against any problem or obstacle.
You don’t have to do it alone. God has created a wonderful vocation for us flawed humans, so let us accept his guidance for us.
