Communication as Communion: Learning to Speak with Love
- Catholic Charities
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
By Micah Ellalasingham, MFT-C
St. Raphael Counseling
Communication Breakdown
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, the most common concern couples bring into the therapy room is some variation of “We can’t communicate.” Spouses, feeling unheard, are seeking the “tools” to fix it. However, within the session, a deeper pattern usually emerges.
When couples say, “We need to work on communication,” what they often mean is, “I want you to listen to me and fulfill my needs.” Many couples assume that good communication means, “My spouse will finally listen to me, and I won’t have to work so hard to express what I need.”
We all get caught in these dysfunctional cycles at some point in our lives. We may put up walls to hide our vulnerabilities. We might avoid taking responsibility for our own needs because it feels safer to ignore them than to risk getting rejected. However, these patterns can poison our relationships.
Seeking Help
Coming into therapy, a couple seeking help communicating might assume that the therapist’s “tools” for communication will suddenly fix all troubles.
But communication requires vulnerability and emotional risk. While focusing on logistics might feel safer and easier, searching for that magic solution can serve as a defense mechanism. Thriving marriages begin with recognizing these patterns and taking on the responsibility to change the pattern, regardless of what our spouse does.
Learning to See, Hear, Know and Love
Communication is so much more than making sure we are listened to. It is about vulnerability, trust and active listening. Active listening is the most loving form of communication because it expresses to our significant other, “I am not only listening to you speak, but I am hearing what you are saying. I love you enough to be fully present to you and consider what you are saying.”
This is not an easy task. In our fallen nature, trust is broken. Yet this is the beauty of our faith: We have a God who demonstrates and commands that we forgive and love one another as we would want to be forgiven and loved.
We often forget that communication involves the communicator as well. As the therapist, I also often hear something more vulnerable at play. Beneath the request for improved communication is, “I want to be able to trust my spouse and be vulnerable with them. I want to build a friendship.” This implies that communication is rarely about logistics — it is about connection.
The purpose of communication is to build and share vulnerability so that trust can flourish. Communication is not about who does the dishes or picks the kids up from school. These concerns are merely the content of communication. Beneath those questions lies something deeper: “Do you have my back? Can I rely on you? Will you be there for me emotionally and physically?” Rather than it being an end in itself, communication is actually a tool for building trust.
It is essential to build authentic trust with one another in marriage because marriage is a vocation that requires a gift of self. This call to give of oneself to the other freely and totally means that our spouses should know our vulnerabilities, fears, dreams, wounds and hopes. Our spouses are not to replace God and the perfect love he has for us, but they are to reflect the unconditional love of our God in a unique and intimate way.
An Examination of Communication for Relationships
When you encounter a communication roadblock, take a moment to reflect more deeply. Ask yourself, “Where am I not able to trust my spouse? Where am I holding back in my vulnerability?” If you can honestly ask yourself this question and examine the answer, you are on your way to authentic communication.
Here is a simple framework you can use to examine areas in your relationship where there is a lack of communication. Ask yourself these honest questions:
Which of these dysfunctional patterns of communication (if any), titled “The Four Horsemen,” might you be bringing into the relationship? (The Gottman Institute, n.d.)
CRITICISM: Attacking your partner’s character or personality instead of focusing on a specific behavior.
CONTEMPT: Expressing superiority, disgust or disrespect through sarcasm, eyerolling, mocking or name-calling.
DEFENSIVENESS: Responding to a complaint with excuses, denial or by flipping blame back onto your partner.
STONEWALLING: Shutting down emotionally, withdrawing or refusing to engage in the conversation (often due to being overwhelmed).
What wounds are present in your relationship? Some ways you can tell:
Examine what you are avoiding bringing up.
What topics make you anxious, shut down, withdraw or cling?
What is the “elephant in the room”?
What do you want your spouse to know about you in a more emotionally intimate way? What can you trust them with today?
After examining the areas in your relationship where you are missing opportunities for increased vulnerability and trust, ask yourself how you want to communicate these needs to your spouse.
Begin the conversation with an invitation, asking your spouse if they can be present to you as you trust them with something vulnerable. If they cannot at this time, set aside another time when you are both free. Then enter into the conversation with honesty, courage and vulnerability.
Assume the best of the other person and go into the conversation with openness and a willingness to express your expectations.
Use “I” statements and team language, such as “we” and “us.” Don’t enter into conversation heated or emotionally charged. Sometimes the most loving way to communicate is to take a step away to calm down and pray through what you are trying to say before you say it.
Another key step in loving communication is to involve prayer in your relationship. Marriage is not just two people “making it work.” The center of your relationship is God, and he gives you special graces to thrive in your relationship. In this sacrament, lean on him heavily to heal your wounds and heal your communication. Remember that your spouse cannot heal you. Only God can heal. And yet, your spouse can love you in a way that supports and honors that healing. Addressing your wounds together and praying about them together will not only strengthen your relationship but also dispose you to the graces necessary to heal the deeper wounds.
You're Not Alone
If you find that this examination is uncovering issues that feel too big to navigate on your own or that you are still struggling with bringing these issues to your spouse, therapy is always an option. Additionally, if you feel that there are roadblocks to communication that are too difficult to overcome alone as a couple, a couple’s therapist can help navigate why the roadblock is present and how to overcome it together.
Strong and healthy marriages are not built overnight. It takes consistent effort, courage, willingness, responsibility and patience to create a love that is authentic. Remember that you and your spouse are on the same team, and that you have a God who is guiding you through this vocation. Lean into that grace, keep choosing one another daily and trust that the small, faithful steps you take together will bear lasting fruit.
