When Self-Gift Becomes Impossible: Why Self-Hatred is a Poison to Marriage

A confessor's perspective on love, dignity and the gift of self.

(Photo: Lightstock)

By Father Daniel Ciucci

Pastor, Most Precious Blood Parish, Denver

There are few better opportunities for a societal pulse check than the confessional. The Fifth Commandment, in particular, manifold in its application, covers everything from drunkenness, reckless driving, gossip and physical violence, to the withholding of forgiveness, the clutching onto bitterness and the like. Recently, however, I have added another bullet point to my on-the-spot verbal examination of conscience with some penitents: Have you hated yourself?

Typically, more than any other question in the examination, this one makes people stop and think. Some lie, and others crack. Those with secure attachments and grounded mental health shrug their shoulders and say, “No. Why would I do that?” But there are many of us — myself very much included — for whom this question resonates. Have I truly considered myself, and then rejected what I have considered?

In response to such people, I find myself quoting Jesus’ summation of the 613 Old Testament commandments. He beautifully sneaks in three when asked to produce the greatest. He says, “Love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. And to love your neighbor as yourself.”

“But that’s only two: love God and love neighbor,” the penitent will sometimes reply. The sneaky third commandment is implicit because it stems from a fundamental aspect of reality for those of us endowed with free will. The human will aims for the good. As Aristotle states in his Nicomachean Ethics, the good is “that at which all things aim.” Aquinas adds that “No one wills evil except under the aspect of some good.” Consequently, humans only act in ways that are, or appear to be, good. Even actions seemingly evil, like taking an innocent life or a violent retort, are attempts at some perceived good.

“God created the world and saw that it was good. Then he made you and me, and the Bible points out that God raises us to a new echelon: very good. You are very good!”

Then comes the disconnect. You can see the person accepting it as a piece of Christian data stored in the mind, but it is prevented from being internalized in the heart.

Jesus and the Samaritan Woman at the Well by Casey Batt. (Photo republished with permission of artist).

When a couple prepares for Holy Matrimony — except for some ulterior motive — the goodness of the other fiancé(e) is without question. He or she is attractive, wonderful, kind and worthwhile, despite the personal flaws, whatever they may be. But so many more fiancés are entering marriage not convinced of their own goodness, and this is deeply problematic. Without even basic self-love, it is hard to give yourself away as a gift to your beloved. Here are four basic mental scenarios a husband or wife-to-be will use to ignore a lack of self-love:

1. The Attractive Attributes of the Relationship.

I know how to make my spouse attracted to me. Whether it involves physical attraction, overly directed affirmation or special gifts, this type of relationship relies on “dopamine kicks” to overcome dissatisfaction or ennui, which is also a part of life. The characteristics of physical attraction, without fail, will change.

2. Over-reliance on the Prospects of the Future.

Couples tell themselves that once they reach a certain point in their career or once they get to a particular goal post, then things will be good. Most couples who do this end up mentally moving the goal posts because they realize that real happiness here and now requires them to change their outlook or renew their mind, rather than changing external circumstances.

3. The “My Spouse is a Sucker” Conviction.

This one is distinctly sad, as it comes from the conviction, “I know I’m not good, but my spouse still loves me.” If I persist in my belief that I am not good, I will begin to lose respect for my spouse because I end up concluding that he or she has bad taste.

4. The Martyr Mentality.

The spouse believes that he or she is only valuable through intense service or suffering for their spouse. This creates a transactional or codependent relationship, replacing the free and joyful gift of self. This yields a cancerous pusilanimity in time.

St. Paul exhorts, “So husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the Church” (Ephesians 5:28- 29). Notice how self-love is presumed. This is true for both the man and the woman.

So what does it mean to love yourself? It means fundamentally seeing yourself as very good, lovable and loved by God and others. Your marriage is a place where you get to show up (not purposefully!) inadequate, needy and even sinful, and you will be met with love, mercy and acceptance. Why? Because you are very good.

Now, self-love can certainly run to excess, but the response to such an issue would need to be addressed in a different article. Such people rarely seek input from others on marriage, so they’re likely not reading this. For those of us who run a constant deficit of self-love, here are five quick reasons to seek it out:

1. It’s logical and biblical.

God is good and made you good. When you have love for yourself, you are simply acknowledging the truth of reality.

2. It’s generous to your spouse.

If your spouse loves you, your spouse would be sad for you not to love yourself. Deep down, we all want the people we love to love what we love.

3. It’s enjoyable.

You were made lovable, and nothing you can do can change that. But you can choose to go against the grain, defy the structure of reality and refuse to acknowledge it. That path is exhausting and yields a harvest of bitterness, dissociation or a need to hide in work or pleasure. To live in the truth that you are good is to delight in oneself, which is much better than the pointless grind of self-dissatisfaction.

4. It’s fruitful.

When it comes to offspring, rightly ordered children can easily see who is happy and who isn’t.

5. It’s humble.

If God loves you, who are you not to love yourself? Suffice it to say, tomes could cover this topic. But if this hits home, I’d encourage you to read and pray with Father Jacques Philippe’s book: Interior Freedom. In it, he makes the point that self-love includes accepting our own weakness without the pointless work of anxiety. He asserts that it is necessary to reject both self-hatred and self-justification so one can rest in self-acceptance.

Above all, if we take love of God as the first commandment, it yields the effect of trusting in God’s work in us over our own self-evaluation.