The Head and the Heart: A Biblical Reflection on Marriage

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In his letter to the Ephesians, St. Paul describes the ideal of a Christian husband, writing, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, and is himself its savior […] Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:23, 25).

This image of Christ as the head of the Church is often evoked to properly explain his relationship to her — and of a husband to his wife.

But who — or what — is the heart of the Church?

It’s a trick question, because a strong case can be made that Christ is also the heart of his Church. More specifically, it is his Real Presence in the Eucharist that is the beating, living heart of the Church — indeed, a living sacrifice offered by the Son to the Father perpetually, which gives life to the Church.

There’s a reason why Christ’s role as bridegroom to his bride, the Church, is most closely mirrored in marriage. Those of us who are married know that it is a constant giving of ourselves for the good of the other, even or especially when we don’t feel much like giving anything. As Christ gives of himself eternally to his bride, the Church gives everything back — albeit not as perfectly — in return.

From the beginning, the Church has always maintained that the roles of both men and women in marriage are distinct but complementary. In this light, the image of Christ as both the head and the heart of the Church presents a different way of looking at the roles of husbands and wives within marriage — one that is not only distinct and complementary, but also symbiotic in nature.

The Heart of the Family

As St. Paul says, men are the head of the family — the domestic church. It is a man’s role to lead the family, to protect and provide. This can take many forms, but at its core is always the notion of a man laying down his life for his wife and children. It is a man’s job to lead their family to holiness.

Once again, this begs the question: who is the heart of the family? Well, to any of you lovely ladies reading this, that’s where you come in. You, in all your beauty and splendor, tenderness and love, are the heart of your family. Let’s face it: without you, the family unit as we know it would be something of a hot mess. God knew what he was doing when he said, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

Consider the human body and the roles that the head (brain) and heart play. The brain sends involuntary signals to every little part of our body to ensure that it is working the way it should. But it works in tandem with the heart; without our heart, which pumps blood through and keeps our body and our head functioning, our lives would cease to be. Our head is important, but our heart is the life force of our body. Both, however, are dependent on one another. We need our heart to be functioning properly for our head to work effectively, but we also need our head to be working properly so that our heart can continue beating.

From a psychological standpoint, our thinking and problem-solving faculties originate in our head, whereas the heart represents our emotional faculties and our ability to love. Again, while they serve different functions, we need both in order to meet the needs of ourselves and others.

So how does all of this translate to marriage and raising a family?

Looking to the Holy Family as an example, it’s clear that Jesus learned how to be both head and heart from Joseph and Mary. Joseph was a carpenter, and as Jesus’ earthly father, he imparted valuable problem-solving skills to Jesus, teaching him not only how to solve problems practically but also how to be a leader. Mary, on the other hand, is the epitome of tenderness, and it is in her loving embrace that Jesus learned to sit with and work through the problems of the heart.

In imitating this same model, kids generally come to dad for head problems, and to mom for heart problems. If one of your kids needs help building Legos, Dad is the go-to, but if they’re having a hard time with friends at school, there’s nothing like a hug and word of encouragement from Mom.

In (and Against) Our Nature

Of course, spouses have a unique challenge of learning how to be both head and heart to one another. Each spouse is naturally attuned to one or the other; it is in a man’s nature to be a provider and fixer, and it is in a woman’s nature to be a nurturer and comforter. However, marriage necessarily calls a man to be a comforter for his wife at times, and likewise, a man needs his wife’s counsel and wisdom to help solve life’s many problems. And ironically, it’s a lot easier for each spouse to play their respective roles to their children than it is for them to play those roles to each other. This is why marriage can be challenging at times, but it is ultimately the means for our sanctification; this is one of the many ways we lay down our lives for each other.

Doing things that go against our nature in this way is an opportunity to grow in virtue. My wife will be the first to tell you that I am not always the most sensitive man. There are times that I grind my teeth as she shares her woes with me; I hear a problem, and my first instinct is to fix it. In those moments, I am living up to my nature of acting with my head. But as I’ve learned over the years (and continue to learn), my wife doesn’t need me to be the head in those moments; she needs me to dig deep into my heart and hear her. She needs me not to solve the problem, but simply to listen and encourage her. Again, this contradicts my nature as a man, but it can be an opportunity for me to cooperate with God’s grace and show my wife the tender love she needs from me.

There are also times when each spouse has to be the opposite role to their children, but it’s rarely to the same effect. I do my best to comfort my daughters when they’re upset, but it never has the same staying power as when Mom does it. Conversely, my wife relies on me to help my son build his Legos or fix a broken toy. In other words, they need both of us.

What they don’t need is for us to swap or confuse our roles. This can be particularly challenging because it may sometimes contradict our instinctive feelings. Spouses also don’t need the other to take on each other’s roles. This can lead to resentment and dysfunction within the family unit. Men thrive on the respect that comes with being the head of the family, while women feel most themselves when they are loved and desired as the nurturing heart of the family.

Head and Heart, Working Together

Together, as both head and heart, my wife and I strive to image Christ to each other, to our children and, ultimately, to the world. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what marriage is all about? Our ultimate calling as spouses is to be Christ to our families. A man’s role as the head and a woman’s role as the heart speak to the divine design of the sacrament of Matrimony. The most beautiful part is that it only works when man and woman are together. Going back to Eden, “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18) — the head is beholden to the heart, and the heart is beholden to the head. Neither can function the way God designed them without the other.

Going back to St. Paul’s words in Ephesians, he writes just a few verses later, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, and I mean in reference to Christ and the Church” (Ephesians 5:31-32). As the two become one in marriage, the head (man) and heart (woman) are joined together in imitation of Christ. They turn inward toward each other to be Christ to one another and their children, and then turn outward to be Christ to the world. And it is only in union with one another that they can fully live out their vocations as the head and the heart of the family.