The Bitter Poison of Resentment: A Sure Way to Kill a Marriage

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Opposites attract, like puzzle pieces that fit together. And yet in most marriages I know of (including mine), we discover over the first decade that we couldn’t be more different. Sometimes it becomes hard to remember what brought us together in the first place! The answer is there, but often it must be rediscovered.

Along the way, the differences, miscommunications and disappointments can threaten to destroy our marriages. I speak as a woman to one of our gender’s strongest temptations — the bitter poison of resentment. Just like poison, resentments may seem harmless in small doses but can build up in the system to become lethal.

Resentment means there is a toxic buildup of bitterness and frustration from unmet expectations, lack of communication, attention or respect. The root of resentment is often a valid, unmet need. But instead of working to get the need met, we wall up, arm our defenses or get ready to attack.

Some examples of resentment at work include:

• Keeping score

• Acting passive-aggressively

• Emotional withdrawal

• Automatically assuming bad intentions

• Dwelling on past hurts

• Being unwilling to see your spouse’s point of view

Resentment hardens our hearts, preventing us from loving our spouses. Instead of seeing them as vessels of God’s grace, we focus on their failures and disappointments. While resentment is often a measure of self-protection against the hurt, it’s a misguided solution that becomes a dangerous toxin to marriage.

The hurt is real. Marriages aren’t perfect. So, what are we to do? One article will not solve all your marriage problems, but I offer a path to the antidote.

Return to Love

In the book of Revelation, God admonishes the Church that they have lost the love they once had. “Return to the love you had at first” (Revelation 2:4). In marriage, this requires some personal time to acknowledge any wounds, painful memories or unmet needs. I suggest bringing them to God in prayer before bringing them to your spouse. God can speak his healing truth to you, giving you the grace to move forward.

Saying to your husband, “I’m angry at you for my unmet needs” is not a good communication strategy.  Approach the topic gently and sincerely over time. Marriage is a marathon, and healing is a process. Speak respectfully: “Anticipate one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10). Bring the problems up because you want to love better and desire your marriage to be stronger.

Keep the Past in the Past

The past has to stay in the past, and this has been notoriously hard for me. I’ll be driving down the road, and I’ll remember some painful moment from eight years ago. I can feel my heart harden as my blood pressure rises. In that moment, I have a choice: to dwell on the memory or offer it to the Holy Spirit to transform. I have not always done the latter, with disastrous results.

If I recognize the temptation, I can choose to be thankful for my husband, calling to mind all the ways he works hard for our family and all the struggles we have already overcome together. The memory and feelings don’t have to own me. I can name the resentment, the negative feelings and the source of pain, and then renounce them. Then, I can invite God in to help me choose the good through a prayer for my spouse or an act of gratitude.

Have a Humble Heart

Next, I remember all the ways I have failed to love, and how my husband is much better at forgiving and forgetting than I am. I must look at the log in my own eye and repent for my resentment and hardening of heart. It takes humility to see my own faults in the relationship, but humility is the path to holiness and true love.

To soften my heart again, I can look for ways to express our love languages: quality time on a date night, physical touch through holding hands or a back rub. A kiss on the cheek or a verbal compliment can signal openness. I know we are at our best when we set aside time to pray together or playfully interact with each other.

Problems, sins and failures fester in the dark. Bring them into the sanitizing light of the truth. Go to Confession together. Put God at the center of your marriage and ask him for the humility to purify your heart and help you begin again.

Purge the Toxic Buildup

We are entering the season of Lent, a time of fasting and purgation that merges well with the practice of “spring cleaning.” Let’s get rid of the toxic buildup!

• When we look at our hearts regarding our marriages, what do we need to clean out?

• Where do we need to look at forgiving?

• Where do we need to have an honest conversation about our struggles?

• Where can I ask God for patience, knowing that my timeline is not the same as my spouse’s?

Christ came to serve. To love is to serve, so I first must ask myself how I am serving my beloved.

• Do I pray for him?

• Do I keep score?

• Do I speak from a defensive posture?

• Do I belittle him or put him down when we disagree (or interrupt him in the argument to get my own words in)?  

• Do I believe we are on the same team?

The antidote to the poison of resentment is gratitude, humility, service and a return to love. Christ brings the grace necessary for healing when we invite him into our fears and hurts. The Cross shows us the deepest meaning of love. Marriage isn’t meant to make us feel better about ourselves; marriage is meant to poke the pain points so they can be brought to the surface and healed. When we return to the commitment we made, the love we had at first, the toxic buildup is released.

Marriage is a two-way street, though, and you need to be served as well. If you have approached your spouse with sincerity and honesty and they have not been receptive, it may be time to seek professional help. Consider St. Raphael Counseling, Marriage Missionaries or Marriage Disciples for three potential Catholic ministries that can walk with you through the journey of healing.