Love, Lust and Marriage: What St. John Paul II Actually Taught

One of the most misunderstood moments in Theology of the Body reveals why authentic marital intimacy is about self-gift, not use.

Remember that time when St. John Paul II said that husbands shouldn’t be attracted to their wives?

That wasn’t actually what he said. But it’s definitely what he was reported to have said. It was the General Audience of October 8, 1980, amid his “Theology of the Body” talks. The media, which up until that time had been pretty much ignoring these addresses entirely, was suddenly leading newscasts with the story, and sending reporters to St. Peter’s Square for “on the scene” reporting. Even I, 17 years old and utterly disinterested in anything that didn’t involve boys or designer jeans, heard about it.

And boy, did it ever cause an uproar. Even now, 46 years later, I still find news articles about it.

So what happened?

Remember, the second cycle of talks was based on the passage from Matthew’s account of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus said: “You have heard it said, thou shalt not commit adultery. But I tell you, any man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28). We have discussed Jesus’ meaning here — that lust is not sexual attraction per se, but rather the will to use another person, to reduce a precious image of God to their sexuality alone — a mere instrument, a means to my satisfaction, an object, a thing.

Well, on that day, the Holy Father pointed out that Jesus didn’t say that “any man who looks at a woman who is not his wife lustfully…” He said, “Any man who looks at a woman lustfully…”

And then he went on to say that lust has no place in marriage: “Adultery in the heart is committed not only because a man looks in a certain way at a woman who is not his wife, but precisely because he is looking at a woman that way.”

And the press, who up until now hadn’t been paying the slightest bit of attention, suddenly went crazy: “Catholic Pope Says All Sex is Bad.”

That’s not at all what he was saying.

What is marriage? It is total self-gift in love. It says, “I give myself to you and join my life to yours, to become one with you, to look out for you and protect you and love you and put your welfare above my own.” And God joins them sacramentally, truly makes them one.

And marital sexual union is the reflection and culmination of all of that. It is the ultimate vulnerability, the ultimate transparency, the ultimate act of trust, the total self-gift made real with the gift of the body.

So is sexual attraction between spouses bad? Of course not. Frankly, I consider it one of God’s greatest gifts to us. I am quite certain that he delights in it.

But do you know what is bad? When that trust is betrayed. When a husband looks at his wife — the woman he has given his life to, the woman who bears his children, the woman who makes herself completely vulnerable to him — and sees her precious body as just a receptacle, a way to get relief, a means to his own sexual satisfaction. It’s bad when marital sexual union becomes severed from the relationship, when physical intimacy is no longer a reflection of their overall emotional and spiritual intimacy, when access to her deepest, most vulnerable self is demanded despite an absence of deeper connection, or perhaps even respect or common human decency.

That is lust. And marriage is the last place we should find it.

A husband’s mission is to protect his wife, to look out for her, and to ensure she is always safe and cherished. So when the husband is the one who, on any level, fails to respect her or comprises a threat to her bodily integrity or her sense of physical or emotional safety, well, that’s really not good.

Of course, the reverse is true as well — a wife has no right to objectify her husband either. So why didn’t the Holy Father make that distinction?

Well, for starters, Jesus didn’t make that distinction. So he must’ve known something about men and women. Like that women are different. Our bodies are different. And that makes us more vulnerable, particularly in the sexual realm. The stakes are higher for us, and so the risk is greater. Because of that vulnerability, wives tend to lose interest or even shut down if they feel objectified or if they don’t feel close, connected or emotionally safe. It’s not deliberately chosen. It’s just wiring. The reverse is not so much true, so this particular form of objectification is more likely to originate from the husband’s side.

Jesus was a great protector of women. And so his warning was specifically for men: “Don’t see women as objects. Treasure them. Respect them. Love them.”

Which is not to say that wives can’t objectify their husbands in myriad other ways. Relationships are complicated. Marriage is complicated. When you bring two flawed human beings together, there are a million different ways each finds to use the other, to fail in their love. It takes a high level of commitment and a lot of vigilance to overcome that brokenness and to love each other well. And a great deal of prayer doesn’t hurt either.

Because if we want to keep marriages rooted in real love instead of lust, we’re going to need all of the help we can get.