What to Say — and How to Help — After Miscarriage or Stillbirth

Insights from Behold Your Child's ministry to support grieving parents.

(Photo: Lightstock)

Studies estimate that one in every five pregnancies ends in the loss of a child, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant mortality. That’s a significant number, yet most mothers and fathers suffer this loss alone because it is difficult to talk about, and the stages of grief are not linear. There can also be a stigma around early loss, so many don’t share openly that it is something they’ve gone through.

But for the last four years, Behold Your Child, a ministry in the Archdiocese of Denver, has sought to accompany those who have suffered child loss.

Originally founded in the Archdiocese of Dubuque, Iowa, Behold Your Child came to the Archdiocese of Denver in 2021. Cofounders Deacon Dave Simonton and his wife, Gail, know firsthand the importance of accompaniment during this vulnerable time, having experienced their own losses. Over the years, they have assembled a team of volunteers who have also experienced loss, joining them in the ministry of supporting mothers and fathers in their grief.

“Parents who experience the loss of a child at whatever stage of pregnancy or infancy are often overwhelmed by grief that is intense, isolating and sometimes invalidated by others,” the ministry’s website reads. “We seek to be present to those who suffer the loss of a child by providing spiritual support, pastoral care, and practical resources. Trained volunteers who have experienced such losses themselves are available to those who request assistance.”

Since everyone’s journey of loss is unique, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to this sort of accompaniment. After hearing a woman’s story, the Simontons reach out to the volunteer team to find the support needed. Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation, a grief support group, a bereavement doula, burial services, additional resources or therapy, Behold Your Child can connect a grieving woman or couple to the right kind of help.

Lauren Accolla, a marriage and family therapist in Littleton, is one such volunteer.

 “The ministry is just aware that there’s no one-size-fits-all,” said Accolla. “Everybody goes through grief differently. Sometimes it can feel really isolating or traumatizing, so the approach is to say, ‘You tell me what your needs are.’”

Memorial Mass

One of Behold Your Child’s signature offerings is a memorial Mass, usually held in October at St. Thomas More. The Mass is open to anyone and their loved ones who have experienced child loss at any stage or any point in time, since grief has no time limits.

“It’s a very special, intimate Mass that people can come and actively grieve,” Accolla explained.

After Mass, roses and prayer cards are distributed to attendees as a small gesture of compassion. Those impacted by loss are then invited to a small reception, a gathering place where people can share their stories, connect, and not feel so isolated.

Other offerings include grief support groups, which take place at various times of the year, with a new one starting up in early 2026.

For Women — The Stigma Around Loss

Grief is a unique journey for each person and comes with its own challenges. Some women who have experienced child loss feel guilt that it was somehow their fault, that there was something wrong with their body, or that somehow they killed their baby.

“What I want women and families to hear is: this is not your fault. This is not God’s punishment for you. You are not alone. You don’t have to go through this alone. We are here for you,” said Accolla. “It’s just the nature of this fallen world we live in.”

Guilt is not the only challenge to work through.  

“With [loss] comes trauma, with that comes grief, depression and anxiety for a future pregnancy. There are so many mental health issues that can arise from this, and when we feel so isolated from the beginning, it just kind of compounds the symptoms,” explained Accolla.

That’s why Accolla would like to see more women become comfortable sharing their experiences of loss.

“You start sharing your story, and all these people come out of the woodwork, and they’re like, ‘Oh, I’ve gone through that, too,’” Accolla said. “Then you automatically feel like, ‘Oh, I’m part of a community. I don’t feel so alone.’”

For Friends and Family

In grief settings, it is typical for family and community to show up for a month after a loss through meals and cards. But then the support stops, and the people going through grief feel forgotten.

“If you know someone who has experienced a miscarriage,” Accolla advised, “continue to check on that person. Continue to ask questions or send a card, flowers or a meal.”

When it comes to grief, people who haven’t gone through it often feel nervous to ask how the grieving person is doing, afraid to bring it up. However, as a therapist, Accolla can tell you that it is on their mind 24/7 anyway. So it is better to ask, “I know it’s been a few months since your miscarriage, but how are you doing?” Most often, women will really appreciate being checked on.

Another idea is to mark dates that are meaningful, such as the due dates of the losses. On the anniversary, you can simply text a friend to let them know you are praying for them, and that can mean a lot.

For Grieving Fathers

While women experience motherhood within their bodies as soon as their pregnancy test is positive, fathers often don’t experience that sense of fatherhood until the baby is born. Therefore, when it comes to miscarriage or loss, there can be a delay in grief for fathers. Men tend to take care of their wives and offer support through the physical process of miscarriage, but only after the mother’s grief becomes more manageable does it finally hit the father.

“If there is any advice to be given, it’s to check in on dads and how they're coping, even if it's been six months. Or a year,” advised Accolla.

The main thread is that there is no timeline for grief, and what is needed most is support and a steady presence.

A Catholic Approach

Through a Catholic approach to the value of life and the dignity of the unborn, the ministry bridges the experience of loss with our Catholic faith in a powerful way.

For more information on Behold Your Child and their compassionate ministry of healing after miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss, visit their website.