Until Death Do Us Part: Marriage and the Death to Self

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By Dr. Elizabeth Klein

Associate Professor of Theology

Augustine Institute

In the fourth century, a young woman named Macrina (venerated today as St. Macrina the Younger) unexpectedly lost her fiancé prior to her wedding. She took this turn of events as a divine sign never to marry, explaining to her parents that her intended spouse was still alive in Christ.1 This decision characterized the saint’s outlook on life: to live life as preparation for death, viewing all things in the light of their eternal significance.

Macrina’s story might seem like an odd and unromantic way to begin an article about preparing for marriage, but it is instructive about the purpose of life for all Christians. As St. Paul so eloquently puts it: “If we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his” (Romans 6:5). By virtue of our Baptism, all Christians are called to die to themselves that Christ may live in them. In popular culture, we speak of “living our best life,” but as Christians, we ought to turn this saying on its head. We must die our best deaths. St. Paul puts it this way: “The life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20). We live the life of one who died. The font of Baptism is both tomb and womb, renunciation and initiation, death and life.

Whatever path we take, then, we are called by our Baptism to this Christ-like death that we may be transformed. If someone becomes a priest, it is to die to himself. If someone becomes a nun, it is to die to herself. And, if someone gets married, it is also to initiate a death to self that leads to eternal life. For this reason, martyrs have always been the most celebrated Christian heroes (“the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church,” as Church Father Tertullian once said).2 Martyrs die — in the most literal sense — in conformity to Christ. Indeed, in the Eastern Christian tradition, married couples receive a crown on their wedding day, which is often interpreted as the crown of martyrdom. In our Western Catholic vows, we likewise affirm this commitment: “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part” (or “as long as you both shall live,” as the case may be).

This mention of death is not intended to cast a pall over the joy of a wedding. In fact, it is quite the opposite — it gives the wedding day its appropriate solemnity. It is not surprising that a world that calls us to “live our best life” has not produced a wealth of successful marriages. There will be times when married life will not feel at all better than those carefree single days. There may even come a time when we wake up and think: “This is not my best life!” We might begin to suspect that marriage does not make for an optimized, glamorous or social-media- friendly existence after all.

But this is the exact moment the Church has prepared us for through her vision of marriage. It was never about living such a life in the first place. It was about dying. It was about giving our all for the sake of love, as Christ did for his Church. Be assured, marriage affords us numerous opportunities to set aside our selfish desires and prioritize others. Such a duty and honor in marriage is a very beautiful thing, even when it does not look or feel that way, even when it looks or feels more like the Cross. We all know older couples whom we admire, who have been married for many years and have suffered many hardships together. Such couples are a testament to the power of love for which every human heart yearns, and an image of God’s unwavering love.

To prepare for marriage, then, is first and foremost to prepare yourself to commit to something for all the days of your life, to commit unto death. Just as Christ was “obedient unto death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:8) and through this gift brought life to all the world, so also in our obedience to God and in our faithfulness to one another, we represent that same divine life to our own families and communities.

It would be silly to pretend that such a commitment is not countercultural. It may even be hard for some people to take the words of the vows at face value, as if we all know there is really some condition on them. Left to our own human powers, the vow to give our whole life without remainder would indeed be impossible. But thanks be to God for Jesus Christ, who has given himself to us on the Cross and continues to make himself present in the Eucharist. He gives himself without remainder that we may, in turn, give our lives to others by his grace.

Let us enter marriage as St. Macrina did, aware of the ultimate end of all things, and aware that our true spouse — Christ — is alive in Heaven alongside all those who have died in his peace. Though our lives may at times seem long, they are really rather short and precious. Let us spend our days in steadfast love, for, in the end, “love is as strong as death” (Song of Songs 8:6).

1. The marriage bond is, of course, dissolved upon death, and anyone is free to remarry if his or her spouse has died. Macrina’s extraordinary choice, however, manifests faith in the resurrection and in eternal life in a special way.

2. See Tertullian, Apology, 13. A more literal and fuller rendering: “We become more numerous every time we are hewn down by you: the blood of Christians is seed” (trans. Sr. Emily Joseph Daly, CSJ).