Thrown Out, Beaten Down and Still Loved by God: Edgar’s Journey from Despair to Discipleship

What finally filled the emptiness I carried for years.

(Photo provided)

By Edgar Mares

I grew up a cradle Catholic, but I didn’t attend church consistently until my father — once a struggling alcoholic — had a radical conversion. When we moved to the U.S. in March 2003, he began taking our family to Mass and a weekly prayer group. Despite his good intentions, I remained indifferent. Church felt forced and irrelevant. I didn’t understand why it should matter, and I resisted, skipping out of prayer group to play outside or leave altogether whenever I could.

As I grew older, especially into my teenage years, I struggled with the feeling that no one truly cared about me, not even my parents. It seemed they only demanded perfection and punished me when I inevitably fell short, which was most of the time. Looking back now, I see that my perception wasn’t entirely fair, but at the time, it felt very real. I couldn’t comprehend how God could love me if even my parents didn’t seem to.

The emotional distance, the pressure, the lack of true friendship or support and the overwhelming challenge of adapting to a new culture and language all began to weigh heavily. I felt alone, unloved and angry. My hatred and rebellion deepened. I was beaten up at home and bullied at school. Eventually, things got so bad that my parents didn’t know how to handle me — they kicked me out of the house twice.

At 17, I hit rock bottom. I didn’t want to live anymore. Although I had no relationship with God and didn’t attempt suicide, I remember praying one night, asking God to end my pain, because I couldn’t take it any longer. Despite chasing things that the world promised would fulfill me, I felt utterly worthless, unhappy, empty and alone.

And yet, it was in that darkness that God broke through.

By that time — thanks to his grace — I had started attending the youth group at my parish, though not very willingly. That summer, after my junior year of high school, everything changed. I attended a youth conference hosted by the Diocese of Monterey, California, and encountered God’s profound love, mercy and forgiveness in a way I never had before through the talks, the fellowship and especially during Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.

In moments of worship and prayer, I experienced a deep and personal sense of God’s love, mercy and forgiveness. Slowly, my heart softened. The emptiness, the feelings of worthlessness and emotional pain I had carried for so long began to be filled by God’s unconditional love. From that moment, I decided to make Christ the center of my life and to live for him — a decision which has changed everything.

When I returned home after the conference, I deleted all the music that shaped my mind and didn’t align with my new commitment to God. I began changing the way I spoke, acted and even dressed. People noticed and were shocked, especially my parents. But the biggest transformation wasn’t what I gave up. It was what I began to embrace: I started praying and reading Scripture daily and fasting two or three times a week. These disciplines — especially fasting — helped me overcome deep-rooted sins in my life. I remember my mother telling me, “Prayer and fasting together are a powerful thing.” I took this to heart, and it proved true.

Everything people had always told me about God’s love finally made sense — not because I’d heard it again, but because I experienced it. That encounter with his love set my life on a new path. This is the power of God’s love and mercy when we open our hearts to him.

Still, I’ve come to realize that one powerful experience, as life-changing as it may be, isn’t enough to heal all our wounds or break every habit. That moment gave my life a new direction, but the daily, ongoing encounters with God — through prayer, Scripture and Adoration — have helped me stay the course, despite setbacks and temptations.

Saying “yes” to God’s love once can change everything. But continuing to say “yes” every day is what allows his grace to take root in our lives and grow, helping us to stay faithful to the plans he has for us. That’s the invitation he offers each of us: to welcome his love at a particular moment, and to welcome it again and again each day. That is the path to the fullness of life he promises — a life of joy even amid sorrow.

The Good News is that we don’t have to walk that path alone. God is always with us, offering his strength and grace. You are not alone. He stands at the door and knocks, patiently waiting.

How will you respond? Will you open the door of your heart to him?