The Silent Moment in My Car That Changed Everything

How God rekindled my love for the Catholic Church.

(Photo provided)

The most important moment of my life occurred in a silent, hidden moment. Sitting alone in my car, I asked God a question. His answer came clearly, and it changed everything.

That moment in the car, however, was years in the making, and it began when I came face-to-face with the consequences of rejecting my faith. Here is a piece of my story:

In the summer of 2008, I was entering my senior year of college. It had been three years since I had stopped practicing my Catholic faith, and I was chasing the world’s version of happiness through success, partying, popularity and materialism.

Getting ready to meet some friends, I stared in the mirror for a little too long and watched a dark weight descend onto my shoulders, which I understood to be the result of my choices. I knew I was miserable, and now I could see it. My lifestyle had rendered me cynical and hardened with an eroded self-worth. Modern culture's promises had proven false, and it was time to make a change.

Within a few weeks, I began to reconsider Christianity and decided to visit a nondenominational church. The experience was transformative. The service offered an exceptionally warm atmosphere, excellent music and soul-stirring preaching. Never before had I experienced a pastor open the Bible and captivate me with the Word of God in such a relevant way. The Gospel message of sin, grace and redemption began to make sense, and the Scriptures came alive as I learned how to pray. It became clear that the episode in the mirror was the work of the Holy Spirit. God had been faithful when I was faithless. How could I not give him my life?

As my love for the Lord deepened, however, my bitterness toward the Catholic Church dug its roots. I began to ask: Where was the good music and transformative preaching in my Catholic upbringing? Where was the love for the Scriptures and passion for evangelization? Where were the people who were completely on fire for Jesus? 

As theologian Jeff Cavins would say, I, like many cradle Catholics, had received a disjointed pile of Catholicism. My pile made more sense than many raised in the faith. It consisted of an understanding of God’s love, years of attending Mass, praying the Rosary and even pleasant experiences in youth groups. But it wasn’t enough. Catholics seemed to have lukewarm faith at best, and their practices appeared to be a barrier to true, living Christianity. Everything in me wanted to live for Christ, and nothing about that desire made me want to stay Catholic. 

For three years, I stayed far away from the Catholic Church. But Catholic guilt, or the prompting of the Holy Spirit, eventually intervened. I began to feel that I should go to Adoration before I left for good. Hoping to quiet my spirit, I walked into a Catholic Church and knelt before the Eucharist for the first time in years.

That evening, I stared at the Host and knew in my heart what I had known forever. Before me was Jesus Christ: Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity. The one I loved had loved me enough to make himself present to me two thousand years after his Resurrection on the other side of the world. I remembered the Church’s teaching on the Eucharist and believed it.

Adoration led me to that silent, hidden moment for which I will be forever grateful. Sitting in my car, I prayed, “Lord, I would go anywhere for you, but I can’t be Protestant and Catholic. What do you want?” The response was loud and clear, “I have raised you in this Church. Many of my people no longer know me. I have given you a mission field. Why are you searching for another one?” In an instant, the Lord called me back to the Catholic Church, and I obeyed.

The only problem was that my obedience didn’t quell my anger. My complaints stood, and there was much I didn’t understand, so I decided to relearn my Catholic faith. I read the Catechism, the Bible, blog posts and articles that answered my questions. I googled, compared doctrine and wrestled with my perceptions of Catholicism versus what the Church actually teaches. Eventually, through prayer and a willingness to be proven wrong, bitterness gave way to love.

I realized I was wrong about most of my critiques. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the beating heart of every aspect of Catholicism. Every practice in the Church, whether participating in the Mass, Rosary, Confession or reading the Bible, exists to bring us closer to Christ. The Church cares about rules because sin has real, life-destroying consequences. Its teachings on faith and morals uphold human dignity against countless dehumanizing practices. Its wisdom on sexuality, marriage and family, far from oppressive, leads to human flourishing through ordered living, self-control and right worship. The more I learned, the more I could see Jesus Christ and his Church moving throughout history into the present and intersecting my life.

During my years away from the Church, my dad often told me that the Catholic Church is the fullness of Truth. Fourteen years after I returned, I am more convinced than ever that Catholicism is true. God is real. Jesus is his Son. The Gospel is true. And the Catholic Church offers the most comprehensive understanding of the universe.

The more we conform ourselves to the Truth in the Church, the saner and saintlier we become. This is why, as a Catholic, I have found the joy, peace and understanding of suffering the world failed to provide. It is also why I have found everything I loved about being Protestant in the Catholic Church, but to a greater and more glorious degree.

Don’t get me wrong, my love for Catholicism has not blinded me to its problems. Clergy scandals, hypocrisy and incompetence have severely wounded many in the Church and caused unbelievable suffering. Religious and lay Catholics are responsible for righting the wrongs and fixing the problems. Still, as imperfect and even evil some people in the Church may be, they neither disprove nor mar the beauty of her teachings, for God had no choice but to place his treasure into the earthen clay.

Catholicism offers endless riches that, unfortunately, stay hidden from far too many people. But if you are willing to dig, you will find the Truth for which you long and the love, meaning and purpose for which you were made. Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God, the center of history and the universe, waits for you here. In these ancient traditions, he will guide you along ancient paths that bring you life in abundance.

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For more on Mallory Smyth’s journey to the Catholic Church and her ongoing experience of conversion, check out her 2020 book from Ave Maria Press, Rekindled: How Jesus Called Me Back to the Catholic Church and Set My Heart on Fire.