The Real Antidote to Loneliness Isn’t Self-Care — It’s Self-Gift

We’re made in the image of a God who is a communion of love — Father, Son and Holy Spirit — and we can only mirror that image when we live for others.

(Photo: Pexels)

I just finished reading the excellent book “From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life” by Arthur C. Brooks. One of my favorite parts was his discussion of the importance of relationships to our happiness. Like many other academics who study happiness, he has found that the quality of those relationships is far more determinative of happiness than wealth, career success or nearly any other measure we think will satisfy us. In fact, he said that “It’s difficult to describe adequately the depth of the rewards that one enjoys when relationships become your ‘official’ source of meaning and fulfillment.”

Brooks is a Catholic, and at many points in the book, I suspected that he has more than a passing familiarity with Pope St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.

Over the past several months, we’ve been reviewing that Theology of the Body. We discussed how every person is created in the image and likeness of God, and how we can only find true fulfillment by giving ourselves in love. (Sound familiar?) We talked about the unique relationship between man and woman, and how their physical and emotional complementarity allows them to completely give themselves to each other, in the lifelong covenant we call marriage.

In the Theology of the Body, Pope St. John Paul II talked about how we live that self-gift by living our lives within the “communion of persons.” A communion of persons consists of two or more people, each created in the image and likeness of God, who live their lives not for themselves, but for each other. More than just a “community,” each person in some way lives “for” each other person — recognizing the image and likeness of God in them, and loving them and looking out for what is best for them. Pope St. JPII defined it as “living in a reciprocal ‘for’ in a relationship of mutual self-gift.” It is the embodiment of Gaudium et Spes 24, where we “find ourselves in a sincere gift of ourselves.”

The first and most basic communion of persons happens in the self-gift of man and woman in marriage. And because love with God is always fruitful, in that act, they are also giving themselves to the children who may result from that union. With those children, the communion of persons grows. The family is thus the “prototype” of the communion of persons.

This is important. After all, God is not solitary, but a communion of the three Divine Persons, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, existing in a constant “spiration of love.” Pope St. JPII said in a 1979 General Audience that we each become an image of God “not so much in the moment of solitude as in the moment of communion.”

Our love makes God visible in the world.

Pope St. John Paul II also said that all persons are created to live within this communion of persons. He didn’t say it would be nice for us if possible. He said we’re created for it. We need it. We need each other; we need to live in relationships of mutual self-giving love.

I don’t know about you, but I believe this with every fiber of my being. I don’t need to be married (although it would be nice). But I know I need this kind of communion. I need to have people around me who I know and who know me; who I care about and who care about me.

The early Christians recognized this, too. Those first Christian communities didn’t function like our modern-day parishes. They “held everything in common.” They did life together. And when individual Christians started following the call to forsake family for the sake of the Gospel, they formed religious communities so that they too could live within a communion of persons.

But here in 21^st-century America, things aren’t quite so neat and tidy. There are plenty of us who don’t live within the context of a nuclear family or a religious community — those of us who return every evening to cold, empty houses. Where is our communion of persons? And the harried young mothers and the empty nesters and the widowed parents? Their family life can be beautiful, but does it alone constitute a sufficient “communion of persons”? Brooks says that “marriage and family are not an adequate substitute for close friendships, which should not be left up to chance.” The family, of course, is the basis for the communion of persons. However, isolated, it is insufficient.

You know who doesn’t get this? Our modern American culture. We come from a long line of “rugged individualists.” And as a result, we have created a culture where each individual, each family, is their own little island. But we weren’t created for isolation. We were created for relationship, for communion. And when that need isn’t prioritized or supported, we find ourselves deeply and profoundly lonely.

So, what do we do when we find ourselves living in that isolation? Well, we need to be intentional. If our communion of persons is to grow, we must grow it.

How do we do that? I think the first step is to work with the “partial” communions we already have. Prioritize your close friends and extended family. Invest in those relationships. Start creating more opportunities to be together. Host a regular Sunday potluck dinner. Launch a Bible study or a book club. Find an activity you all enjoy. Find out what’s going on in their lives, and what they need. And then be there for them.

And this doesn’t have to be “single people with single people, families with families.” We all need each other. Families, invite your single friends to dinner. Singles, invite your family friends to your — well, whatever it is you do for fun. There is no need to segregate. We all have too much to offer each other.

Most of all, I think we need to strive to make our parishes more supportive of this kind of community. Church shouldn’t just be a place where we wave at people on Sunday morning. We should be building intentional, Christ-based community. My parish is leaning heavily into small faith communities. I think it’s a great idea.

Of course, before sin entered the world, love was perfect, and so the communion of persons was perfect. For us, living in a fallen world as flawed human beings, living in self-giving love becomes more challenging.

Next time, we’ll discuss that.