I Asked If Anyone Would Miss Me — God’s Answer Changed My Life

Bullied, lonely and searching for belonging, I found more than I imagined — a relationship with the living God.

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All my life, I’ve searched for belonging.

Growing up in a large public school, I tried to fit in with various groups of friends or stand out to my teachers through academics. Unfortunately, the attention I did get was of the unpleasant kind, and I endured bullying and harassment for a long time. In the depths of my dark middle school years — I still have recurring nightmares of forgetting my locker combination! — I remember one night alone in my room, wondering if anyone would miss me if I simply didn’t exist anymore. Would anyone care? Would anyone show up to my funeral?

As I prayed with this memory in recent years, I invited Jesus into my room with me. And when I asked, “Would anyone miss me if I were gone?” I heard the passionate, heartfelt reply of the Lord, “Yes! I would miss you! Not to mention your family, your future husband, children and community.”

What I didn’t realize in the depth of my pre-teen loneliness and despair was that God had a plan and was with me all along.

Shortly after that incident in middle school, I joined a prayer group. We met on Friday nights in a chapel for prayer, followed by fellowship at a nearby diner. There was a cute guy there, and it was something to do on Friday nights instead of sitting at home like a loser, right?

But something else attracted me to this group — there was joy, happiness and a peace that I was sorely lacking in my own life. I was intrigued. Over time, I was drawn in by this community, and eventually, I was completely drawn in by the Lord. Spending every Friday night in his Eucharistic presence slowly changed my life.

One Friday night in eighth grade, I prayed to invite the Holy Spirit into my life in a deeper way. I prayed that the Scriptures would come alive and that I could fully give my life to God. Yes, I felt emotion, but also a deeper sense of the belonging that I was searching for. I found it in the Eucharist, in a relationship with God and in the Catholic Church.

The Ultimate Relationship

After I graduated from college, I got a job at a church in Denver, working primarily with middle schoolers. I believe God used my pain, first transforming it and then sending me to bring his message of hope and salvation to other middle schoolers. It was through youth ministry that I met my husband, and now we have five delightful children.

The first years of motherhood were difficult, and I again struggled to see where Jesus was. And yet he was there, finding my pain points to bring them to the light. Having children forced me to confront my anxiety, selfishness and unattainable idealism. Marriage was a mirror to my fears, resentment and withholdings.

It hurt until the suffering gave way to healing through tears and persistence. I learned mercy and forgiveness for myself and others when I leaned into the sacrament of Confession. For years, I thought Confession was a humiliating punishment to condemn me for all that I had done wrong. Then, a confessor suggested that — barring mortal sin — I just think of it like a relationship, and consider where I need to repair my relationship with God.

Because I had to learn to be in relationship with my husband, I was able to translate that to my relationship with Jesus in the sacrament of Confession. I was no longer afraid of disappointing God; I now had hope in his mercy — that he wanted to reconcile our relationship more than I did.

Like A Good Marriage

I am Catholic because I have a relationship with the God who made me, saved me and continually holds me in existence with his love. I might not always trust or obey God, but I could never believe that he doesn’t exist because I’ve heard his voice in my heart, experienced his love in the Eucharist and seen the Holy Spirit tangibly work in my life.

It’s now 26 years and counting since I took my faith seriously, and I can’t get enough of Jesus!

It’s like a good marriage that grows in trust, love and deep connection. At first, there’s the attraction, yet there’s also the struggle to rid yourself of selfishness, sinfulness and bad habits. After that comes the subtler choices of self-control and mortification that lead to a freer love. Not that there still aren’t dry spells or doubts or deep pains, yet there is always a return to the lover, consoler and healer.

Religion isn’t just a good set of morals to live by or a solid intellectual argument (although those things are true), but ultimately a relationship in communion with the Trinity. My life gained a fuller dimension by becoming aware of the spiritual realm.  My actions have eternal consequences, and the sacraments and sacramentals are tangible ways to engage in an invisible world more real than this one. Catholicism has a long, steady history of sinners and saints that I can relate to. Its ordered structure and tradition have the answers to the unsatisfied longings of our hearts.

I know now that I am loved by my Father, have access to the life of God through Jesus and am continually guided and taught by the Holy Spirit. Through a life of prayer and sacraments, I am where I belong — in communion with God — and that is why I am Catholic.