How to Help New Moms this Mother's Day and Every Day

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Pressure. That’s the feeling many new moms experience in the months (and years) after having a baby.

One day, you are concerned with contractions, blood pressure and making sure the nursery is set up. The next day, your mind is swirling with diaper counts, feeding times and the pressure of keeping your baby alive, all while wondering if you will ever sleep again.

Amid the whirlpool of thoughts and things to remember, women often feel siloed in their homes following the birth of a baby. They are concerned if they are “doing it right,” possibly missing their old way of life, and wondering if other moms are struggling, too.

For example, when I had my first, I read all the baby books, knew the size of my baby in terms of fruit, but I had no idea that I would bleed for six weeks after my baby was born, even after a C-section. I was recovering from major, unexpected surgery, unable to lift much, and yet, I had to care for this new baby around the clock.

Many women live far away from their families and haven’t spent much time around babies, so the learning curve is extremely steep. There may be pressure to return to work shortly after. If they choose to stay home, getting used to a new way of life and making new friends isn't easy. Either way, the change can be jarring and full of unexpected difficulties.

Becoming a mother is beautiful and glorious, and the Church has a lot to say about the dignity of the vocation to motherhood. After all, Mary was a mother! But the calling is also full of struggles and suffering, and tension exists between the beautiful and the difficult. Mothers need to be seen in their struggles in order to find ways to lift that pressure.

Here are some ideas of how family, friends, parishioners and neighbors can help a new mom:

Friends and neighbors

The number one thing you can do is bring a meal or give a gift card. Not having to think about dinner lightens the load. You can also offer to watch the baby or just spend time with the mother — with her ok, of course. For me, I needed a friendly ear to listen to me in the weeks after having a baby, just to sort out the feelings from the hormones amid all the adjustments. So, allowing yourself to be available even for a phone call can be helpful.

Parishioners

Scoot over in the pews and give new moms, babies and families a bit of extra room on the ends. In my case, several of my babies had projectile vomiting after nursing! None of us wants to be trapped in a pew when that is about to happen! Parents also need a quick exit for crying and diaper changes.

Additionally, allow some extra grace for new parents. Assume they are doing their best. Almost every mom I know has had some experience of being shushed in church or a lecture from another parishioner on their kids' behavior. It’s not helpful; it’s actually harmful because it discourages parents from attending Mass. Even Jesus said, “Let the children come to me.”

Family

Offer to make meals, clean the house or watch the kids. Also, recognize the generational differences. We now have to battle the pervasiveness of screens, postpartum depression and the fear of being reported to Child Protective Services for any mistakes, all while living in an abortive culture that does not value having children. It’s a struggle to find community, and every obstacle feels like an uphill battle. So please be patient with the swirling shift of hormones, offering simple help and encouragement.

Husbands

Be attentive to your wife’s needs. Help with meals, wash dishes, clean the house. Become invested in your baby so your wife can feel free to take a nap, shower or go out with friends. Be willing to have a discussion about expectations and household tasks. Accept the lack of physical closeness that comes with a new child. Remember, postpartum is a season, so it won’t last, but the virtues you work on during this time will.

And finally…

To the mothers:

There is no such thing as a perfect mom. We all need help. We all make mistakes and learn from them. Your best place to get advice is from friends a few years ahead of you, not that social media post. You may not be a napper, and that’s fine, but I’ll offer you a few closing words from my book, Baby and Beyond: Overcoming Those Post-Childbirth Woes:

“If I could go back and do postpartum all over again, I’d be gentler on myself. I’d announce survival mode, lower my expectations, not try to be ‘super mom,’ ask for help, and take naps. I’d also not fret over every decision I made, wondering if that one action has the potential to screw up my child forever (because now I know it usually doesn’t). I wish there was a secret formula to follow in order to do it right the first time. Yet, deep inside, I know that the struggle, the failing, and the getting back up again is exactly what God is using to mold me into the person he created me to be” (page 136).

God has called you to the beautiful vocation of motherhood, and what a wild adventure it is! He gives grace in every moment; all we need to do is open up to receive it and let him transform us through the exhaustion and exasperation.  We’ll find there are so many precious moments to savor on the way.

As we celebrate this Mother’s Day, we honor all the mothers who have given themselves to the holiness and duty of family life, especially all the new moms who are figuring it out for the first time.

Mother Mary, pray for us!