“God is a gentleman. He can’t enter your heart unless you let him in”
- Rocio Madera
- 2 hours ago
- 6 min read
A testimony of wounds, searching and a healing encounter with Christ
Warning: This article contains tough subject matter that may be hard for some to read.
Marked from childhood by abandonment, abuse, addiction, pain and deep wounds of the soul, Monica Marie Lopez of Fort Morgan spent years in darkness and inner emptiness. But, through a retreat with the ministry Prevención y Rescate (Prevention and Rescue), she found the healing and purpose she longed for in Christ.
Born in Colorado to parents of Mexican heritage, Lopez experienced abandonment for the first time at just five years old, when her parents divorced and her mother left her and her brother in the care of their father.
“My dad did what he could to raise us. He worked and often left us alone. He did what he could,” Lopez recalled. “I grew up in the world of dancing and cantinas, because my dad took us wherever he went.”
Without her mother’s presence and with little support from her father, Lopez grew up in a vulnerable environment. Between the ages of 7 and 8, she went through deeply painful experiences, including sexual abuse by neighbors. At such a young age and with no one to turn to, she carried the pain in silence.
Far From God, But Not From His Gaze
Nine years after her parents’ divorce, Lopez’s father decided to start a new life and moved a woman into their home. Fourteen at the time, Lopez rebelled against the change.
“It was hard for me to accept that our trio had become a group of four. I felt like she stole my dad, and I got really rebellious,” she said.
Burdened with this sense of loneliness and with wounds she’d carried since childhood, she found “relief” from her pain in drugs.
“I started doing things I shouldn’t have. Between 15 and 16, I became addicted to cocaine. A friend’s mom used to sell it, and my friend would steal it and give it to me,” Lopez explained. “I felt alone. My dad was moving on with his life, and I felt like no one cared about me.”
Around age 17, she remembers hitting rock bottom and promising herself never to return to drugs after a confrontation with her brother.
“I was bleeding heavily from my nose because of the cocaine. One day, I came home really high and started acting crazy. My brother got so angry that we started fighting physically. I remember him yelling at me, looking me in the eye, telling me I was worthless, that I was going to end up on the streets, messed up. He was saying things that were true. I was in a really bad place. I cried so much that I came to my senses and said, ‘No, this is not the life I want. I don’t want to live like this. I’m really messed up.’ That’s when I stopped,” she recalled.
An Angel in the Chaos
Although Lopez had been baptized Catholic as a baby, she grew up in a home that didn’t actively practice the faith. Still, her dad would sometimes take them to Mass. Thanks to a neighbor who brought local children to catechism class, Lopez received her First Communion and Confirmation.
Curiously — or perhaps providentially — despite her addiction and pain, Lopez stayed close to her faith and attended a youth group at her local parish, where she met her future husband, Armando.
“I felt safe there. It was a place that gave me peace,” she recalls.
Armando, who was just a friend at the time, became a kind of “guardian angel” who looked out for her. Unlike Lopez, he didn’t drink or use drugs.
“He was my guardian angel. I was headed down the wrong path, and he always looked after me and advised me not to do bad things. He cared about me,” she shared.
On one occasion, after a conflict with her stepmother and father, Lopez found refuge at Armando’s house. His parents agreed to let them stay together on one condition: they had to get married in the Church. Wanting to leave home and find the love and stability she had been searching for, Lopez agreed. She was 17 when they married.
An Empty Soul and a Longing for God
Lopez started a family with Armando and eventually became a nurse. Although she left drugs behind, as an adult she began to turn to alcohol as a way to cope — something that slowly became a hard-to-control habit.
“I went to Mass with my husband. But I loved to drink. I grew up with the idea that on Saturdays, everyone parties and gets drunk, and on Sundays they go to Mass,” she said.
Her weekends became a cycle of escape and spirituality: partying on Saturday, teaching catechism and attending Mass on Sunday. Despite all this, she continued to feel a deep emptiness. Throughout her life, she recalls struggling with suicidal thoughts during different stages — even as an adult. She would fall into periods of deep sadness, feeling like a bad mother, daughter and wife.
At the time, one of her daughters was 17, and their relationship was strained. In an effort to protect her daughter from the same pain she had endured as a teen, Lopez became very strict, which made her seem emotionally distant.
“I longed to change my life. I longed to fill this emptiness. Even though I had a family, a career and children, I felt alone and empty, like something was missing,” she said.
A New Path of Faith
Carrying all this weight, a friend invited her to find a women’s retreat. In the search, they found Prevención y Rescate, a Catholic ministry that offers healing and support for individuals and families dealing with addiction and gang involvement.
“Those four days [of the retreat] I felt so close to God and his love. He showed me he had never left me, that he was always by my side, and that I had worth. I had so much worth as a woman. Everything I believed was wrong with me — he showed me the opposite. He showed me his love … and that’s when I said, ‘I want to change my life. For my kids, for my grandkids — I don’t want these chains to continue. I want to break them,’” she said with emotion.
After her encounter with God at the retreat, Lopez returned transformed, determined to change her life. Though she faced challenges, she didn’t give up and soon joined a Prevención y Rescate group. The road wasn’t easy, but she trusted in God’s plan.
“I did a lot of harm with my selfishness, with my pride. I was manipulative and controlling. When I decided to change, no one believed me,” she said, recalling how even Armando was upset that she was spending so much time at church. “I wanted to dedicate my life to God, to seek him.”
At first, Armando didn’t see the need to attend a retreat — after all, he wasn’t an addict. But in time, God touched his heart, and he decided to go on a Prevención y Rescate retreat himself.
“When he came back from the retreat, he was a completely changed man. He told me, ‘I understand you now, and I want to walk with you.’ That’s when we started walking this path together,” she said.
One of their daughters also attended the retreat and joined the youth group at age 15. Their youngest son, who was initially resistant — saying the retreat “changes people” and that his mom “used to be more fun when she drank” — chose on his own to go on the retreat last year at age 14. There, he had a profound experience of faith.
“I used to be one person on the inside and another on the outside. Now I don’t have to manipulate or fool anyone. God is working in me, and I can be the person I truly am. I don’t have to pretend anymore … God has invited me to accept myself. He says, ‘You are my daughter. I made you this way, and I love you this way,’” she shared.
Though this journey of faith has changed her life, Lopez admits the struggle continues daily. But now, she finds refuge in the Lord and is learning to let go of control.
“Often, I’m very hard on myself, and God always reminds me: ‘You are my daughter — not because of what you do, but because I wanted it that way,’” she added. “God is in my life, and He’s always arranging everything. He began opening doors at work and aligning everything so I could serve him and still provide for my home.”
For those going through difficult times or struggling with addiction — or watching a loved one suffer — Lopez offers this advice: open your heart to God’s love and trust in him.
“Sometimes we carry resentment, anger, bitterness, and we wonder why these things happen to us. But God has a reason for everything. We all have a purpose in this world. God wanted you to be born in this moment, to be here in this time, because he has a plan for you. Only God can truly fill your heart,” she explained.
“God is a gentleman. He can’t enter your heart unless you let him in,” she concluded.
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To learn more about the ministry Prevención y Rescate, visit https://prevencionyrescate.org.
